Dear potential Emergency Department patients, just so you know, at 0241 in the morning, these are not emergencies:
Diaper rash times 1 day.
Sore finger. No decreased range of motion, no erythema, no apparent injury.
Drank too much, feel nauseated. (cf. “I think someone put something in my drink because I feel sick.”)
Smoked marijuana, feeling “weird”.
For pelvic ultrasound, requested by GP three days ago. Pain resolved.
Gout, script refill for allopurinol.
Indwelling catheter replacement.
Abdominal pain times three months. Wanted to get it “checked out”. No other symptoms.
Vomiting times two, one hour ago.
Bladder infection, had one dose of antibiotics from GP, not better.
2 years old, had fever of 37.9, given Motrin, no fever at present, no other symptoms.
Chronic back pain, script ran out.
Migraine headache times 5 days, “only Demerol works!”
Pregnancy test requests, aka “missed period and have pain.”
RLQ pain times 2 hours. “Telehealth told me to come in, it might be appendicitis.” Then texting and laughing while getting vitals.
Please tape on your fridge for future reference.