Revenge is Best Served with Cat Pee

Found on Staff Lounge Bulletin Board

Dear Colleague

When I went to lunch the other day, wanting to hot up an otherwise tepid General Tao’s chicken, I noticed my bottle of hot sauce, the one that was made by a Mayan women’s collective using organically grown heirloom chili peppers and which I bought at a hoity-toity food shop in Yorkville for a ridiculously inflated price, was missing.

Clearly, this is my fault.  When I labelled the bottle, “Please Feel Free to Use” in a fit of unwarranted generosity, you interpreted my label to mean, “Please Feel Free to Use at Home.”   Clearly I was not plain enough in my meaning.  I should have written,”Please feel free to use in the staff room ONLY.”  For this apparent confusion, I apologize.

In order to prevent further misunderstanding in the future, you will notice I have placed two bottles of Frank’s Red Hot Original in the staff lounge refrigerator.  Into one of them, known only to me, I have instilled a small amount — not more than, say, 1 cc — of the most obnoxious substance known to humanity.  I speak, of course, of CAT URINE.  Or maybe I haven’t.  You will never know.  The point being, are you willing to take the risk of ingesting CAT URINE?  And what about your children?

Little more, I think, needs to be said on this matter.

Thank you for your understanding.

Yours truly,



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  1. #1 by sassy on Thursday 20 January 2011 - 1215

    Now, that is some sense of play!! lol

  2. #2 by artdoctor on Thursday 20 January 2011 - 1431

    mmm…toxoplasmosis…yum. This is quite dangerous. I hope your staff will be okay.

    • #3 by torontoemerg on Sunday 23 January 2011 - 1451

      I was thinking the vinegar in the hot sauce would kill any nasties. Maybe not.

      The bottles, in the event, have disappeared.

    • #4 by Outrider on Monday 24 January 2011 - 1530

      Toxoplasmosis is transmitted via cat feces, not cat urine.

      I think this is hilarious. Disgusting, but hilarious.

      • #5 by Art Doctor on Monday 24 January 2011 - 1850

        Yes, but how can you be certain that when withdrawing urine, that the mix of kitty litter did not include kitty poop as well? It’s possible that poop fragments, or diarrhea perhaps was drawn out.

        Unless the poor cat’s bladder was poked. That would be, well, crazy!

        • #6 by Outrider on Monday 24 January 2011 - 1914

          I suppose the urine might be contaminated by feces. The risk is still vanishingly small, because most cats that use litterboxes are indoor cats. Indoor cats that do not have the opportunity to hunt are unlikely to be infected with toxoplasmosis.

          People generally acquire toxoplasmosis via contaminated food: vegetables from the garden that weren’t adequately washed, or undercooked meat. I’d be more concerned about the salad than the hot sauce.

          We learned this in veterinary school, but it’s all on the CDC’s website, too.

          • #7 by Art Doctor on Monday 24 January 2011 - 2125

            Fantastic! Just wonderful.

  3. #8 by Cartoon Characters on Thursday 20 January 2011 - 2135

    Didn’t I read something like this on this site?

  4. #9 by Art Doctor on Saturday 22 January 2011 - 1519

    Cartoon Characters,

    Sadly, no.

    No you did not.

  5. #10 by The Nerdy Nurse on Saturday 22 January 2011 - 1654

    Whats worse is when you just bring something in and then they clean out the fridge and throw it away!

  6. #11 by Amy Sellers on Saturday 22 January 2011 - 1720

    Something similar happened in my old department’s break room… except it was a laxative in the coffee creamer. A couple different people brought expensive, flavored coffee creamer. One of the staff members got tired of people using all of his coffee creamer, so he labeled it with his name (so there would be no confusion that it was not community property) and put a liquid laxative in it.

    The next day, we found out who it was when they were telling a story about spending the entire day in the bathroom.

    Gross, but effective. No one drinks anything that doesn’t belong to them any longer.

  7. #12 by Prada Nurse on Sunday 23 January 2011 - 0305

    Wow. Just…

  8. #13 by Art Doctor on Monday 24 January 2011 - 2126

    Can you write about dinosaurs?

  9. #14 by Anonymous Coworker on Tuesday 31 May 2011 - 2006

    Dear Crazy Cat Pee Person,

    Since sometime last week, both bottles of Red Hot have cat pee in them.

    Have a nice day!

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