Uterus and Other Bad Words

More April Foolishess, but real this time, from the Florida legislature. Here a blow was struck for the advancement of science by making “uterus” is a dirty word. I suppose that there is a certain delicious irony about objecting to the use of the word “uterus” during a debate on abortion, though I doubt those who find the word offensive would get it:

At one point [State representative] Randolph suggested that his wife “incorporate her uterus” to stop Republicans from pushing measures that would restrict abortions. Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida business.

Apparently the GOP leadership of the House didn’t like the one-liner.

They told Democrats that Randolph is not to discuss body parts on the House floor.

“The point was that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government,” Randolph said Thursday. “And I always say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe they (Republicans) would be talking about deregulating.

“It’s not like I used slang,” said Randolph, who actually got the line from his wife. He said Republicans voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus.

In the interests of prurience, and also of saving tender ears, from, well, science and education in general, I have composed a list of objectionable medical words:

Penis: Well, duh. Also better exclude the adjective “penile”. Also “penal” is problematic. Use “prison.”

Testicle: Again, duh. Testimony, testify etc. are dubious too, doubly so, given the fact (male) witnesses in ancient Rome held their spuds while in court.

Clitoris: Triple duh. Flogging offence. Do not EVER use. As a substitute, I’ve always liked le bonhomme au canot, which has a certain charm, but might be objectionable in the U.S. because it’s so obviously French. Best never to speak of it, or even think about it.

Cervix: Leads to the u-place.

Vagina: Leads to the, um, cervix. Also, do not use “Regina” as in the capital of Saskatchewan, because you might think of what rhymes with Regina, and that is the road to Hell.

Coccyx: Do you really want to say this in public?

Bartholins’s Gland: Just sounds dirty.

Mesentery: Say it with me, slowly: ME-sen-ter-ry. Get a little illicit thrill? Don’t use it.

Menstruation: Eeew.

Masturbation: Is a sin, and therefore the word is sinful. Only use if you’re sure you worship the Devil:

Abdomen: Where the u-place is, and is close to other “bad” parts. Avoid. Use “tummy” instead.

Pubic: Generally offensive, and in any case it’s not a word you’re likely to drop into everyday conversation:  “Hey, I have a pubic lump.” Not.

Anus, rectum, colon etc.: Someone, somewhere will be offended if you use these.  Besides, they are icky.  Just don’t.

Buttock: Near the above. Makes you think of other, more collequial, badder words.

Oral: Do I really need to tell you?

Epididymis: Only leads to troubling questions of the knee-bone-is-connected-to-the-thigh-bone type. In any case most guys don’t realize they possess them.

Semen: Only should be used when speaking of sailors.

The list, actually, could be endless. Feel free to add.


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  1. #1 by onlinenursing on Friday 01 April 2011 - 1420

    I am laughing so hard I cried! Thanks for the comic relief and list! I will be sure to avoid them in governmental places…. Uterus, uterus, uterus, uterus, uterus, uterus, uterus, uterus….

  2. #2 by Dr.Dean on Friday 01 April 2011 - 1614

    Fallopian-might be too close to fellatio…hmmm
    Ovary-might be confused for “getting ovarit…”
    Corpus luteum-too close to corpus collosum, but you have to have a brain to get it.

    This is kinda fun!

  3. #3 by DOEcomic on Friday 01 April 2011 - 1834

    menses…. ewww

    And my all time fav…. Angina. Imagine telling a female cardiac patient that she has “acute angina.” (insert juvenile laughter.)

  4. #4 by the problem child on Friday 01 April 2011 - 2014

    We should also be very concerned about discussion of legally available medical procedures, like PAP smears (smearing PAPs all over the place – gross) and amputation (because: Bobbit). Also: abortion.

  5. #5 by The Nerdy Nurse on Saturday 02 April 2011 - 0542

    I’ve got a few more for you:

    Vulva- Near that dirty dirty uterus
    Labia – Hangs out with that creepy cliterus
    Urethra – Part of that nether-region anatomy
    Scrotum- Holds the testicles in place, near the penis, probably could create some very uncomfortable moods
    Spincter – Also anus associated, and we all know that most people have theirs wound to tight, and any of these aforementioned words would likely cause them to make cole in their rectal cavity.

    Great post!

  6. #6 by Nerdnurse on Saturday 02 April 2011 - 1300

    Flatulence—although this might be difficult to outlaw in any legislative venue where we know it abounds, albeit unacknowledged.

  1. E Uterus Unum | 538 Refugees
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